Potatomorphosis
One day, Alexander Fuckface awoke to find he'd turned into a massive potato. His body had three distinct lumps and another, almost separate tuber on top that looked like a head. His hands and feet were made of little sprouts. They were white, cone-shaped and rubbery.
The funny thing was, Alexander didn't seem to mind in the least. His parents, brothers and sisters, friends, neighbours, local news anchors, doctors, politicians and priests paraded through his room while Alexander lay on his bed playing GTA.
He couldn't tell what the fuss was about. Why did it matter what he looked like? He still felt like the old Alexander, but everyone seemed to think he had changed. He could see it in his mother's eyes when she brought him his cornflakes in the morning.
It was like she wasn't looking at her little boy anymore. Her expression made him feel like some kind of monster. He could see himself reflected in her big teary eyes – a big ugly potato with a cluster of feelers for a face.
He began resenting everyone, especially those nearest him, especially those who tried to change him, trying to reverse what the doctors called this 'unprecedented event.' Well, what if he didn't want to change back? What if he liked this new version? People were interested in him. He trended on Twitter.
Slowly, though, the two drifted apart – Alexander and Everyone Else. They no longer saw the same world. Realities, facts and truths appeared different from their different perspectives. Now, when his mother brought him breakfast, he sat there stewing under dark clouds of rage.
He was a rotten sack of melting shit that had long ago been a potato. White sludge mixed in with tufts of blue fur. Pustules pushed up like little volcanoes, erupting all over his skin. His eyes had sprouted into long white feelers that collapsed and lay like white tears on his face.
And, as his mother began spooning cornflakes into him, he realised that she was singing, quietly humming a tune in her throat, a tune that her mother had taught her many years ago.