Do you hate your life?
Do you sometimes suffer excruciating pain, agony, crippling doubt and existential angst so hard you wanna shit your spine outta your throat? Well, Ben’s Magical Mystical Milk was made especially for you, my sweet darling.
Made from the forgotten roots of a developing nation, the ashes of six butterflies and hallucinations from an opioid epidemic, my industry-leading suffer solution has been proven by third-party, double-blind, randomized trials and approved by the FDA. ***
It’s safe, smart and sugar-free. With less calories than a liquorice twist, enjoy me as a healthy snack or as part of a balanced diet. Don’t let corruption, ineptitude or gross negligence get you down. Try Ben’s Magical Mystical Milk, squeezed fresh from my glands.
*** May cause depression, blurred vision, cotton mouth, thoughts of suicide, narcolepsy, necromancy, neuromancy and a whole raft of other cool shit I ain’t even figured out yet. Y’see I been taking my own medicine for 14 millennia. And I’m still finding new ways it affects me. Protects me. Tbh, I can’t do without it. Start jonesing real bad. I just get this irrepressible urge to kill people and I have to remind myself to be a decent, civilized, potty-trained member of this silly, serious, maladjusted society. Have fun and good luck!